Random Bits 9
by Nashiil
Summary: Chapter 2 is UP! Nuns, plus Tidus, divided by blitzballs, equals possible doom for Yuna's tea party. Oh, did I mention a closed door and a muffled converstaion?
1. Chapter 1

Wow! It's been awhile since I last posted anything. Thanks to all who at least eyeballed a few paragraphs of the old stuff! Well, here is Random Bits 9. It started out as a way to kind of develop Yuna's personality more. Let me know how I did!

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Title: Random Bits 9 – Chapter 1

Setting: Yuna is attempting to have a more normal life. She has invited a trio of nuns from Djose over for tea.

**Waterfall Way – Tidus' house – **Yuna is just shoving Kimahri out the door while her guests make themselves comfortable. Lulu and Rikku, taking pity on their fellow 'X', (as in XX, female, girl, you know, _genetics_) are taking the 'Y's ( XY. Genetics, again) to the beach.

Yuna was just setting down a plate of small cakes when all her hopes of having a pleasant (normal) tea party were dashed to bits and swept under the rug. A tortured cry of "My _balls_ are flat!" ripped through the air like a harbinger of Doom. _How did he get in? I locked the door! _Yuna thought as dread settled in her stomach like a lead ball. _Oh, that's right. He has the key._

Tidus burst out of what, with a little cleaning could have been his bedroom, and skidded to a halt in the midst of Yuna's guests. Taking the Summoner by the arms he shouted (in case she hadn't heard him the first time) "Yuna, my _balls_ ! They're flat!"

Living on an island full of sports jocks tends to make one think of phrases containing the word 'ball(s)' strictly in sports terms. It tends to take all of the fun out of innuendos and dirty jokes.

Yuna knew exactly what Tidus was talking about. If the young man wasn't giggling about 'knockers', he was boring her with lectures about blitzball. Unfortunately, the three nuns weren't tuned to the Tidus Wavelength and did not live on Jock Island. Therefore, Complete Misunderstanding was allowed to swoop in, drop a load of fuzzy memories from Anatomy class, and then leave with a pervert giggle. Common sense was left standing alone in the mental haze, and went to have a lie down.

Tidus, having no shame, completely ignored the appalled muttering and dirty looks being thrown at him by the nuns. "Can we talk about this later, Boo-Boo?" Yuna whispered in the tight little voice used when one is trying to be calm and polite in an embarrassing situation. It had been Rikku's idea to give the 'Y's cute nicknames, and had chosen 'Boo-Boo' for Tidus. In Auron's opinion he had been aptly named. Of course the veteran Guardian had his own nicknames for his younger companion (some of which were unfit for chaste ears).

Yuna smiled nervously over Tidus' shoulder at the horrified nuns, and briefly considered telling them 'Don't mind Tidus, he's the poor guy that got too close to Sin, and …came back retarded.' As much as she wanted to, she just couldn't bring herself to say it, no matter how high the flames of irritation climbed. It was her first attempt at making new friends since defeating Sin, and Tidus had already sent it hurtling, spinning, and diving toward ruin.

Just when it seemed as if the Son of Sin would claim yet another social blunder, a knight appeared in a flash of light. He was a little scruffy,(the kind of guy who looked as if he hadn't been born so much as 'roughly hewn') and maybe the light wasn't as bright as it could have been. Okay, so it was just Auron fading through the front door. The older man had been trying to convince Kimahri to join him and his other companions at the Beach. Having been banished from Yuna's presence for the duration of the party, the Ronso was sulking in dejected silence by the front door. (There's just something about large, humanoid predators that scream '_Fear Me'_. A mobile monolith of teeth and claws following you around can put more than a cramp in your social life.)

Tidus spied Auron and rushed over in a flurry of panic. "Auron! My balls are flat!" he wailed.

"So I hear." The Unsent warrior sniffed dryly. "But I don't think that these nice ladies really care to hear about your personal problems." he continued, sweeping an arm in the direction of Yuna's guests.

The diminutive hamster paused in it's wheel for just a moment as it nibbled at the last bit of the conversation. Unable to determine the strange flavor of sarcasm, it resumed it's trundling, the wheel making a slight squeaking sound. There was a stinging bit of sarcasm in there somewhere but it was lost on Tidus, who took his blitzballs very seriously.

"Excuse us, Ladies." Auron mumbled with a bow in the direction of the women. He paused as he firmly steered the protesting boy out of the room, and addressed Yuna. "Yuna, why don't you tell your guests about the new Item shop in Guadosalam? Oh, and I'm sure they would be interested in hearing about the new statue of you that the Ronso are putting up. The one with the 'Grand Horn'."

The young Summoner pounced on the opportunity to change the subject. She was so grateful that she made a mental note thank Auron later by making him is favorite dinner: A big hunk of geasy, deep-fried, artery-clogging meat smothered in gravy with brown crunchy bits floating amidst oily little globules of grease. Oh, yeah, and a side of potatoes with more gravy. (Hey, when you're already dead you don't have to worry about silly diseases like diabetes, heart disease, or high cholesterol.)

With Yuna safe in the shallow waters of Innocuous Conversation, Auron was free to mete out a little discipline. He shoved Tidus into his 'locker room', a.k.a.. room where sports equipment and dirty laundry were kept (mostly on top of what might have once been a bed.), and gave him one of the dreaded lecture that teens everywhere would give and arm and a leg to avoid. The fact that no shouting was involved was of small consequence.

Auron's lectures were quite different from your standard Lecture. Being a man of few words, Auron had perfected a method of lecturing that almost completely eliminated the need for words. He preferred to let his actions speak for themselves. The Legendary Guardian let his boot do the talking. His heavy boot applied itself to Tidus' backside in a front-thrust kick that would have made a martial arts Master hang up his belt.

Tidus pitched forward with a satisfying squeak, tumbling into one of the many piles of assorted equipment obscuring the floor. There was a musty, organic smell as a small forest of mushrooms that had been growing under a sock was crushed. "Geeze," the blond grumbled, oblivious to the fungus. "You don't have to shout."

Auron was going to bring the funkiness of the carpet to the young man's attention, but decided not to waste his breath. _He'd probably just say 'Cool!' and eat one. _he thought. Aloud he said in a severe whisper "What are you doing here? You're supposed to be at the beach. Away from Yuna." He fixed Tidus with a withering glare that made Tidus' shadow smoke.

"I was, but I came to get my blitzball. But when I came in they were all flat!" he explained, then pleaded desperately while holding on to Auron's coat. "Help me air them up! I _need_ my blitzballs!"

_Like crack to a crack head._ Auron thought as his eye fell upon the small mountain of flat spheres. Realizing that airing up _all _of the blitzballs would take a _looooooooooong _time, Auron agreed. It would keep Tidus out of Yuna's hair for a while.

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Any one want to join me for lunch? I'm having the mushrooms.( Oh yeah, and a side of gravy.) 


	2. Chapter 2

Okay, after an Eternity of computerlessness(is that even a word?) I have finally attained my own PC! Let's celebrate. Everybody do the Cactaur dance!

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Random Bits 9 Chapter 2

**Waterfall Way – Tidus' house – **Auron is just removing Tidus from the party.(Mostly by the ear.) The party resumes.

Yuna breathed a sigh of relief as both Guardians disappeared. The young Summoner smiled at her guests and quickly began describing the new Item Shop. The nuns listened with intent wonder as she described a chocobo theme trinket she had seen, but been unable to buy. The reason for this was that Clasko had dashed up and snatched the last one, giving her a triumphant and slightly crazed grin. She still had nightmares about it.

Yuna had been left with only three options at this point: 1) fight Clasko for it herself, 2) get Tidus to take it from him and cause a big scene, i.e. destruction of the shop, or 3) get Kimahri to bop him on the head, grab the thing and run. Since neither of these options were solutions befitting of a High Summoner Yuna decided that she didn't really need it. That didn't mean that she hadn't seriously considered option 3. (All it takes to send a Ronso charging off is a trembling lip or disappointed sigh.)

One of the nuns, a black haired girl with a sharp nose (whom Tidus secretly referred to as 'Divebeak') was the first to notice a muted conversation, which seemed to have been going on for quite some time. Yuna's thread of conversation abruptly snapped as four sets of ears focused on the running commentary coming from behind the door.

There exists a universal misconception that a conversation of any volume (excluding whispers) has absolutely no chance of being overheard if it takes place behind a closed door. Those of you who have ever been a bystander in this situation could probably repeat the entire conversation. Though misconception it may be, many people still fall prey to it and Yuna's two Guardians were no different.

The conversation went thusly:

"Oh man, they're really flat."

"Whatever. Here's the pump, hold still."

"Ow! You totally missed!"

" Well, hold still."

" Are you sure you should be doing this with only one eye? I mean you're kinda low in the Depth Perception Department, and the last person I would want coming at me with…"

"Quit your nattering and give it to me!"

"Hey!! _Never_ grab another guy's balls. Didn't your parents ever teach you not to grab things? How would you like it if some just came up to you and grabbed_ your _balls?"

"I would'nt care. I don't have any."

Out in the living room Yuna's Conversation had not only come to a screeching halt, but jumped the guardrail and come to a definite and terminal stop against a tree and burst into flames. Its passengers were left stranded, neither of their cell phones having enough reception for an emergency call.

"Uh…more tea?" Yuna quavered a little to brightly as she made a valiant, yet pathetic attempt to pretend none of this was happening.

There was a muted thump.

"Hey, not so hard!"

"Don't be a crybaby."

A rhythmic bumping sound floated our from behind the door. Yuna smiled nervously at the nuns who stared at the door aghast. There are only so many logical explanations for rhythmic sounds and inflating blitzballs didn't seem to be on the list at the moment. The young Summoner wondered if, under certain circumstances, murder could be considered a public service. Someone was going to take a trip down Yuna's Highway of Rage, which was little more than a dirt track lined with flowers. However she was thinking about adding sharp rocks, brambles, and maybe some poison ivy.

Accompanying the new and disturbing sounds was an equally disturbing conversation. There was an annoyed snarl of "Keep _still_!" from Auron.

"Not so hard. There's no where to get a new one."

"Shut up, I know what I'm doing."

"_Not so fast_!"

"Stop whining. There. Let me do the other one."

There was a moment of silence in which Imagination madly tossed a multitude of explanations like a juggler on crack. All of them were against Yevon. The conversation picked up again with a muffled yelp.

"Well move your hands." came Auron's gruff voice followed by sounds of exertion.

"Don't stop yet it's not as firm as the other one."

"It's not like you use this one anyway. It doesn't matter it it's a little flat."

In the silence that followed Yuna nearly chipped a tooth on her teacup. The three nuns were muttering silent and hasty prayers, probably asking Yevon to drop a flaming meteor in the house to destroy the heathens. Yuna sat alone in an ocean of embarrassed silence and saw no rescue in sight. She was almost glad when the horrible conversation resumed.

"Uh…you might want to stop now." came Tidus' worried voice.

"Just a bit more. I don't want to have to do this again anytime soon."

"No…stop…_stop_!"

There was a loud '**BOOOOOM**!' followed by a horrified wail of "You popped my ball!!!" The nuns, fearing for their immortal souls, politely and hurriedly thanked Yuna for a wonderful time and fled the den of iniquity. The Summoner was left alone with the sad remains of the party (which would lie in state in the temple at 8 O'clock with reception to follow).

It was ruined! All the careful planning and thought put into it had been wasted. Someone was going to pay!

Tidus stalked stiff-legged into the room on a mission to tattle. "Yuna, do you know what Auron…" he began at the same time Auron barked from a few steps behind,

"Yuna, do you know what Tidus…"

Both Guardians faltered in the face of the smoldering heterochromatic look the Summoner was giving them. It was one of those looks that said 'I'm going to beat seven kinds of poo out of you.' It would probably take a while too, because to Yuna all poo was the same.

Sensing the inevitable Auron slowly began to fade. Desperate to fill the uncomfortable silence Tidus proceeded to narrow his chances for survival. With a bright smile born of sheer nerves, he cheerfully asked, "So, how was your party?"

Auron went for broke and scattered. Screw Jecht the boy was on his own. Yuna smiled sweetly as if Tidus had just said something cute and snapped her fingers. "Oh," she said in an amused tone as a hulking Ronso shaped eclipse rose behind Tidus,

"It was _killer_."

End.

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Well, that's it for RB 9. Does anyone have any heavy duty spot remover? Yuna's going to need a shipload to clean up the smears. Death by Ronso is _messy _after all. 


End file.
